2019-03-31 Lent 4 Sunday: Still Point

-from T. S. Eliot
"At the still point of the turning world.
Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement.
And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered.
Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline.
Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only dance.
I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where.
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time."

On Saturday, March 30th, I participated and team-led our monthly Still Point contemplative sitting retreat day at Mount Saint Benedict’s Monastery in Erie, PA.

It was a powerful experience, as it always is. A full day of silence: such a rare gift in our noise polluted environment. We are blessed to sit on the shore of Lake Erie. We can look through the window and see the water moving, always changing, never the same.

I attend and team-lead monthly. It is a critical element of my spiritual practice.

This time, something happened that has not occurred before.

The goal is to go behind the thinking mind to non-thinking. I don’t know about other people’s success with this, all I know is the more I attempt to non-think, the more I think about how to non-think.
Any tips out there?

The form we practice is a time of silent sitting followed by a silent walk followed by silent sitting.

This is what was different for me today:

When we stood to walk, following a clockwise circuitous path around the center, I found myself holding my hands in front of my solar plexus in a cupped position, as if holding something important. At that moment I had a flash back to the Ecumenical Theological Seminary in Detroit where I directed the Doctor of Ministry Program for several years. One of our students did a project with his congregation that he was sharing with the class on a cold blustery January winter night.

In the basketball court on the third floor, he had set out a 50 foot Chartres Labyrinth, which his church community painted on canvas. It filled a large portion of the gym floor and was circled with 113 candles lit for each of the 114 lunar days of the year. One would be at the entrance, therefore only 113 candles are seen.

A Native American, Episcopal Priest, class mate, arrived with her husband. When she entered the sacred space, she began to sob as the energy of the sacred circle struck her. Not expecting what she saw, she cried out, “It’s the Wheel!” The Wheel is a sacred symbol to many Native peoples. In the Native tradition it is called a Medicine Wheel.

She entered the Wheel/Labyrinth in stockinged feet, tears streaming and holding something in her hands that I couldn’t see.
She took deliberate slow steps as she lived her own trail of tears. It was a meditation, a sacred gift to watch her walk and pray.

Today, I found my hands cupped and holding something of extravagant importance, that I could not see, could not behold with vision. I knew I carried IT. I could feel IT in every fiber of my being. I remembered a January night, a tear- soaked face, a sacred walk.

===
At the close of our day of prayer together, we shared a passage from Saint John of the Cross. Each of the seven stanzas holds its own bewilderment. Here is the third stanza that most identifies my experience today,

I was so overwhelmed
So absorbed and withdrawn,
That my senses were left
Deprived of all their sensing,
And, my spirit was given
An understanding while not
understanding,
transcending all knowledge.

Stanzas Concerning an Ecstasy Experienced in High Contemplation
Saint John of the Cross

And the final stanza, where John sums up:

And if you should want to hear:
This highest knowledge lies
In the loftiest sense
Of the essence of God;
This is a work of God’s mercy,
To leave one without understanding,
Transcending all knowledge.

What I appreciate about John of the Cross is knowing he had these deep experiences. Experiences that come with consistent practice that words failed.
====

What I know about myself: I need to be more consistent in my practice of the Presence of God. If I want to pursue this Non-thinking way of being and come to an understanding without understanding, then it seems to me that there is a very different way of being that I have not yet experienced.
Any of you had any experiences that might help enlighten myself and others?

I continue to reverently hold, to ponder the extravagant treasure that is suspended in my cupped hands.
Evelyn, what were YOU carrying?

2019-03-30 Lent 3 Saturday: DUMBO EARS

The children’s Spring Break is quickly coming to an end.

Yesterday I went with them to see Disney’s DUMBO. I had a flash back to my Mom, during the final months we shared. Here’s the story:

Mom was always spry. Frank and I called her the Energizer Bunny. When we would go to the grocery store with Mom, we would stand still and watch her push the cart zipping in and out through the aisles until she found everything that she wanted. In no way did we want to attempt keeping up with her.

As the COPD worsened and her breathing became more and more labored, she was put on oxygen. She had a small portable unit that she could pull, rolling behind her. The Energizer Bunny was slowing down.

Mom had always been fiercely independent and these new limitations were becoming too large to deny. They were upsetting and depressing.

She didn’t have to use the oxygen all the time, however, the doctor wanted her to have it on at night when she slept.

Every night she would expect me to come into her room to check on her and “tuck” her in, with a good night kiss. She was very aware of these moments of role reversal. At night, especially, she became very beautifully child-like. Once, she looked up at me, "Who's the Mother ?" I really didn't know if she was asking a question or if she was making an observation of the reality.

It was very difficult for her to get the oxygen tubing situated correctly. Even I had to figure it out every time I helped her. It was like a Labyrinthian course of tubing. The breathing tube went from her nostrils around each ear and tightened under her chin.

When Mom would attempt it by herself, it always was wound around her neck like a noose. Not a safe way to sleep.

I knew this was difficult for her, not only physically- to get the oxygen in place, but also psychologically and emotionally. It was a constant reminder of her advancing limitations and the terminal nature of her life situation.

I needed to find a way to lighten and find joy in these moments of truth. Mom was a beautiful woman in every way. The family always teased that she had a “ski-jump” nose. She would simply smile and not say anything. On these difficult nights, I placed the tubing near her nostrils and wrapped it around each ear, saying, “Look at these Dumbo ears! It’s easy to wrap around these Dumbo ears!” She would grin like a young one and forget for a brief moment the reality of the situation.

What I wouldn’t give for one more night, to wrap the oxygen tubing around those “Dumbo” ears.

Is there someone you have cared for? What ways have you found to make the life that person is living more enjoyable? What have you done for yourself, to make your work of caring more bearable? Or was/is your love so big that your caring is joy saturated?

I ask myself, Who will be taking care of me? Will I be as gracious and wide eyed as my Mom? What can I do to make it easier for those who care for me? I don't have children, who will it be?

Do you ever wonder?

Much love to you all,
Carol Vaccariello

2019-03-29 Lent 3 Friday: "Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains un-awakened." anonymous

"Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains un-awakened." -anonymous

I had a little dog named DancyGirl, because she loved to stand on her back legs and dance. She became very ill, made the trip with us to California when we relocated, and then died.

Frank and I were heartbroken. We were sitting in our new apartment with NO furniture, NO clothes in the closets, NO dishes to eat from, NO NOTHING, because the truck hadn’t arrived yet.

Frank was depressed, he didn’t want to get out of bed. I suggested that we go to the pound to get another little dog. He said, “NO”. It was too hard for him to love them and lose them.

I told him that I needed to have another dog, so I called the pound in Berkeley to get directions. We arrived and the woman asked if we owned or rented. I told her we were just moving in and we were renting. She said that renters were required to have a note from the landlord that a dog was permitted on the premises.
I knew that our landlords were in South America and wouldn’t be home for a long time. I didn’t even want to look at the adoptable dogs unless we could take one home with us.
We left.

We went to Home Depot to pick up the hardware to hang curtains. I said to Frank, “I can feel that our little dog is out there waiting for us.” I went to the front of the store where there was a payphone - this was before we had a cell phone. I called the Oakland Pound and shared our story of being new in the area and our dog’s untimely death.

The woman asked what kind of dog we were looking for. I described DancyGirl, and explained that it didn’t have to be exactly the same - just a small dog that enjoyed being held and walked. She said, “Lady, your little dog just got here. We haven’t even given him a bath yet. He will be ready when you arrive. We close soon, so come right away.” I asked if there was anything that we needed to bring. No, just come with a current driver’s license. I explained that it was issued by Texas, and it was current. She said that would be fine.

Frank and I got into our van and rushed to find the Oakland Pound before it closed. On the way there I thought about how to answer their questions.

We parked and hurried out of the car. Before we even got inside the door. An attendant came out with a small white curly Maltese. He walked like he was a very big powerful dog. Head high and an attitude. The woman handed the bright blue leash to Frank and off they went.

I stayed. I was given a form to complete. There was that question: Do you own or rent? I thought for a moment. I don’t lie. I thought again. I still own our home in Texas. The question doesn’t specify where I need to own a home. Yes! I own a home. Immediately, they processed the paperwork and off we went with our precious bundle.

It was love at first sight. I wanted to name him PACO. Frank continued to call him Dancy. DancyGirl was the little dog that died. Finally, I gave in and he became DancyBoy. He and Frank were best buddies, keeping each other company and well loved, especially when I was gone to work.

Recently I received this quote in a page of sayings: “Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains un-awakened.”

I miss my DancyBoy. There are so many stories I could share, each with a life message.

Do you have a dog or a pet that you love? Do you ever wonder if you selected them or if they selected you? Have you ever lost a well-loved pet. Did you ever have to use an un-truth, that wasn’t exactly a lie, because you needed a desired outcome?
What did that pet mean to you? How has your life been different because of the love you shared? Did you learn anything because of that relationship?

I remember when we first brought Dancy home. We were learning each others’ signals. He was very impatient with us. Dancy would come and stand in front of us as we sat on the couch. He would look straight at us, lift his leg and pee as if to scold us for not taking him out when he expected to go out. It didn’t take him long to train us!

Well trained,
Carol

2019-03-28 Lent 3 Thursday: Cutting Some Slack

Today I am out of town for the day - getting my taxes prepared. I really would rather not write reflections from prison, although Paul did some pretty good "stuff" from prison. This is one aspect of his life that I chose not to emulate.

I decided not to stay up past midnight to prepare a reflection.

Thanks for all of your encouraging feedback. My plan is to have something for you on Friday, unless, I don't!

I am modeling how to cut yourself some slack!

Take a walk in your Divine self today,

Be a Blessing!

Carol

2019-03-27 Lent 3 Wed.: A Lesson Learned by Watching

Thank you, Michael Joseph ,for sharing the incredible Majestic Mutation video below.

As I watch it and study the colors, the power, the definition and path of each drop of water that knows exactly what it is to do and be at every moment, I can't help but wonder why it is so difficult for me, an intelligent being to know God's desire for me.

At this moment, I feel like the Psalmist must have felt when witnessing the wonders of creation. In so much awe, it is difficult to find words. Creation knows how to sing without words and pray without concept. Simply BEING is what is required. Gosh it is all so simple and so incredibly difficult.

Today, dear Mystery, send your Angels, please, to enlighten my mind so that I can think clearly and get these tedious taxes completed. Perhaps if I listen to my own reflection, I can find a way to allow this tedious task to be my prayer today, when all I want to do is create music and walk in the beautiful sunshine after such a long winter.

Yes, dear Mystery, I need some very focused Angelic help today and I ain't kidding.

Blessed Be and Thanks ,
Carol

2019-03-26 Lent 3 Tuesday: Having a Human Experience!

What a wonderful thing: to live a life in which the good memories outweigh the difficult ones. Because I am generally a happy person, people often assume that I don’t struggle, or ever have hurtful, difficult, grief-stricken times. Of course, I do. These are part of my human experience. 

What does that mean: to have a Human experience?

I had a Native American teacher who used to tell me, “You white people don’t get it. You are not a person seeking or having a spiritual experience. You are a Spirit having a Human experience.”

What I learned from her and from my Christian roots, and I believe other of the world religions teach something similar, is that I was first an idea in the heart of God. First, I was a spirit being, created in eternal thought, and that it is my blessing and privilege to have this human experience.

Psalm 139:13-14 tells us,
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

I interpret this to mean that God had the idea of me, of you, our inmost being. Your Soul, My Soul from all time. Selected parents, for each of us. Finished creating us by knitting our individual Souls in our mothers’ wombs, so that our human bodies and personalities could develop over the time of our life span. From Pre-birth to Death, a Spirit, a Soul having a Human experience.

I also think that not all spirits are privileged to have this human experience. Those of us who are here, knowing the beauty of Earth, the reality of a physical body, emotions, enjoying food, and on and on, the myriad of human privileges. We are blessed to be here.

I want to experience all that I can. I want to remember all that I experience. I give thanks every day for this rare privilege of being human.

It has taken me a lifetime to learn that every painful moment, every sorrow; physical, emotional, spiritual, has been essential, to my becoming who I am today.

Life is a mix of highs and lows, joys and challenges. There was a time when I couldn’t say this. I am extremely grateful for every experience and I appreciate the struggles that have made me strong. These struggles are what have opened my heart in a way that I can now help others who are facing similar struggles. Every tough time has been my Teacher, with a capital “T”.

I have shared some of my deep thoughts here. What are you thinking? Any connection for you? What has been your most difficult challenge? Do you continue to carry anger and hurt? Have you found the lesson and the blessing of that lesson? You know that person you find so trying? Could be a family member, someone at work, school, church. Have you ever asked yourself what you are meant to learn from his or her presence in your life? Maybe if you pay attention and learn the lesson, you won’t have to continue to experience it over and over. That’s what I try to do. Stay alert and learn the lesson before I have to experience it the third, fourth, fifth time.

Always so much to think about.

My prayer for you today: Live into and rejoice in the joy that is yours to live. Whatever difficulty you may encounter, learn the lesson quickly and move on with open heart to the nearest joy awaiting you.

Strive to be a blessing!

Carol

2019-03-24 Lent 3 Sunday: Mystery at Seventy Three

Seventy-three is a strange age. I don’t feel at all over 50 - maybe even younger. Now and then, I may stand up a little more slowly than usual from a cross legged sitting prayer position on the floor.
Actually, there’s not much that slows me down.
Think positively.
Visualize good health and vitality.
Work out at the Medina County Recreation Center,
Monday through Friday,
averaging three hours a morning before going home to work.

Today was a very full day.
When I got up this morning
- after forgetting to set the alarm.
Missed one hour of my workout.
Spent over an hour in the pool.
One-hour Yoga.
Breakfast with a friend
who introduced me to someone with similar interests.
Prepared the house
HeartSpace Spiritual Community’s Gathering on Sunday.
Participated in a one-hour International Call.
Scurried to the Office on Aging
Ukrainian Easter Egg painting with Judy Totts.
Picked up my suitcase and computer.
Drove nearly three hours
Benedictine Monastery in Erie, Pennsylvania.
Met with my Wood Turning teacher.
Arranged for a session with our Wood Turning Mentor tomorrow.
+++
It was great fun learning to “write” a Ukrainian Easter Egg. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. That’s one thing about being 73, I am mindful that I am in the last leg of the journey. That means, if there are things I want to do and haven’t done, I’d better step on it and get them done. Today I “wrote” a Ukrainian Easter Egg. There are pictures of it here.

Art is very prayer-full. I call it Heart- Art. At the University for Creation Spirituality we called it Art as Meditation and every one of our Doctoral students were required to take an Art as Meditation class each time they came to study for a week-long seminar.

This is how it works for me. When I begin to focus on the art project, out of necessity, I push other intrusive thoughts out of my mind. This is not done by force. It is simply the outcome of focusing on the project at hand. Today Judy was teaching the art of Ukrainian Easter Egg Art. We were all beginners. Judy started very simply to teach the technique and produce a worthwhile outcome.
Each of us received an egg hollow shell that Judy had drawn some simple designs for us to follow.

Here is the magic of this meditative process.
The “writing” is done very carefully with a tool called a KISTKA. It is a piece of wood about the size of a pencil. On one end there is a very small funnel shape into which I put black beeswax. When heated over a small candle flame, the wax, having a low melting point, liquifies and runs out of the tiny funnel as I place it to the egg’s surface.

Sometimes the wax sticks and blocks the funnel. In that case I use a very thin wire on a stick to clean the funnel.

The method is very simple. Whatever I want to stay the color of the eggshell, I cover with the black wax. Then I dip into my lightest color. Always working from lightest to darkest color. Once it is the desired intensity, I remove the egg and wipe it. I continue to do this, each time visualizing what I want to remain the newest color, that’s what has wax put on it.

The Magic happens at the end of the process. When I have completed my wax writings, I gently move the egg across the small candle flame and wipe the melted black wax away with a soft cloth. Just like magic, all of the concealed color beneath the black wax shines through as the wax is removed.

My heart was so full when I saw that little bunny, symbol of Easter joy, love, fun, soft, bouncy, food scavenger after dark under the bird feeder. The vine that goes full circle around the egg from point to point is the Eternal Life line. The small flowering vine, so very delicate.

There are so many applications that can be taken from this experience.
Black Wax: the darkness that conceals my mystery and reveals my wonder.
The Rich Colors: gifts and talents, hidden just beneath my surface
A Hollow Egg: When I feel like just a shell of a person, it is time to move through the mysterious layers of my Being, to find the meaning of eternity now.
Magic: the way I experience the Divine, The Greatest Magician of All, in whose image I am intricately patterned.

How about you? I invite you to take a moment to reflect. What is hiding just beneath your surface? What are your rich colors, yearning to be seen? When have you most felt like a hollow egg? how did you manage that feeling? Would you do anything different? If so, what?

Thanks for being there and thanks for being here.
Much love as we continue this journey together.

Carol Vaccariello

2019-03-23 Lent 2 Saturday When I Do My Best....

Kalahari Convention Center in Sandusky, Ohio was the location of the Gymnastic Competition where my Great Nephews competed. They are ten years old - twins.
Gymnastics is a team sport that is focused on individual performance. It’s different from team sports where everyone on the team is on the field working together to score. Here it is you and you alone. All eyes on you as you approach that next in a series of highly skilled exacting moves. I like to watch how the coaches care for these young athletes. They lift them to the bar or the rings - there is no other way to get up there. When I am in pain watching the way they twist and turn their shoulders, I am always grateful for a coaches hand to ease the completion of the move so that the athlete can gracefully reach the ground.

I love to watch Brian flying through the air when he picks up momentum on the rings. Anthony is much taller than Brian and he lifts himself, long legs soaring over the parallel bars for a perfect landing.

Team work that depends on one’s individual skill is a priceless lesson. When I do my best we all win. It is not about me being better than you. It is about both of us doing our best so that our team scores well.

Great practice for a life well lived. All that can be expected of anyone is the best that they can be. Being our best is what we offer to ourselves, our families, friends and our world.

Both boys came home with their necks weighed down in medals of achievement. I am a very proud great aunt. Maybe that is really the lesson here. Isabelle, their 14-year-old sister, Vinnie their 13-year-old brother, mom, dad, and aunt Carol stay with them for hours witnessing them as they compete with themselves and their last score. We cheer them on, and they make us proud - no matter how well they score. Simply having the courage to get out there and do any of these maneuvers is enough for me to praise them for their success - because it is.

Come fly with me.
It is lonely to fly alone.
Come fly with me.
Feel the wind beneath my wings.
Come fly with me, please.

2019-03-22 Lent 2 Friday Bring Him Home from Les Misérables

For years, Mom and I were Cleveland Playhouse subscribers. It was one way I could get mom to go out and enjoy herself. Subscribers pay for tickets before the season began. There was no way she would pay for something and then let it go to waste. So, every time our scheduled evening rolled around, Mom had a reason to get dressed up and go out.
Mom loved to eat out. We would find a restaurant near Cleveland Playhouse, have a nice dinner and take in a musical at the Theatre.

I have continued to subscribe for nearly the same reason I encouraged Mom to subscribe. Having a paid theatre ticket plus parking ticket is indeed an investment in having fun. Truly it forces me to stop working and drive to Cleveland for a night out.

Miserables, was one of the musicals this season. It was the first time I experienced it. Bring Him Home was one of the songs that blew me away. It was the way Nick Cartrell performed it. He was so powerful with pure tones, fragile strength of sustained notes, ease in the range of sound. All of this created such an amazing soundscape one could literally hear a pin drop in that large theatre. The applause actually took pause, before it when wild.

It is a man’s song, because of the context of the story.
I love it so much. I feel it deeply in my soul.
I am learning to sing it

It is a prayer begging safe return of a young man who has gone to war.

Take a look at the lyrics:

Bring Him Home

God on high, hear my prayer
In my need, you have always been there
He is young, he's afraid
Let him rest, heaven-blessed

Bring him home. Bring him home. Bring him home

He's like the son I might have known
If God had granted me a son
The summers die, one by one
How soon they fly, on and on
And I am old and will be gone.

Bring him peace, bring him joy
He is young, he is only a boy
You can take, you can give
Let him be, let him live
If I die, let me die
Let him live

Bring him home. Bring him home. Bring him home++++

The lyrics are truly a prayer that many of us have prayed. Hearing the lyrics SUNG - is an absolutely different experience from reading the words. I invite you to take three minutes to listen to Nick Cartrell sing, click on this URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wL0rRWffiSs

Hopefully you have listened.

Like me, did you find yourself in deep prayer as he prayed the song?
Is there someone that you feel strongly about and want to reach out to with prayer?
Listen to the song again with your eyes closed.
You can change the words to meet your personal need.
I think of all the young boys we send off to fight;
of the families who cry this prayer in their hearts.
I think of all the young people who are dealing with opioids
in an attempt to escape life.
I think of all the young people who don’t know
how special and unique they are and
the tremendous gifts they have for themselves and for our world.
Who knows - one of them may become the surgeon that saves my life or the President who protects our Mother Earth, so that our grandchildren will have a sustainable future….yet that same young person could find the challenge more difficult than s/he can bear.
What to do?

Listen to this song.
Sing this song in your heart.
Feel what you feel.
Pray it when you need it.
Trust it when you pray it.
Know that you are never alone
…and most importantly,
a young person, an old person, someone may be counting on you to pray this prayer for them.
a prayer for Life….
Do it! Please.

Counting on you,
Carol

2019-03-21 Lent2 Thursday. Bandsaw! Formidable Teacher

As most of you know, I am learning the skills of wood working. Sometimes our teachers are sharp and serrated - like the bandsaw. It has been over a week now since I learned a new respect for this tool. Two of my workout buddies have informed me that bandsaws and used for cutting meat. I know that in a whole new way now. I am having some difficulty typing this with the fourth finger of my right hand in a bandage to hold my finger straight. I am trying not to bend it. Every time I do the wound reopens. I decided NOT to post the pictures. I leave it to your imagination! I have posted a couple of pictures of the bandsaw. When I look at the blades, I realize it is very similar to meeting JAWS!

Here is what I have learned, and I know there is more to come.
1. respect the saw. let it do the work. Don’t push!
2. always have a buddy or a telephone in case of emergency
3. get instruction before using equipment that is new to me
4. Be sure to ask for the safety instructions to be repeated at least once
5. Take my mentor seriously
6. ..don’t be thinking about all the other ways that I could do it easier
7. I’m sure there are more

Interesting, as I looked over these learnings how they apply to so many aspects of my life
1. Respect the person, the instrument with whom I am to work. Allow the other space to work and have a voice. Don’t Push!
2. Be wise and bring in an arbitrator if needed. See the help I or We need in order to move forward in a good way.
3. Take time to get to know the person I will be working with. Listen to their story. Bite my tongue when I can think of so many things to tell them about me and my experience.
4. Listen to all the communication about safe ways to work together. Listen between the lines. Watch the eyes. Where is the comfort place and the strength and how to bring that forward together and for each other.
5. When discerning an important situation, seek a wise person for advice. I think three wise people, one at a time. Bring each of their wisdom into my heart and discern the best move forward.
6. Don’t be a know it all. Allow myself to learn from all involved.
7. More????

It’s your turn.
I invite you to ponder and think through - what would you add or change or affirm? Write me a note. I love to hear from you.

One of the Wounded Healers,
Carol

2019-03-20 Lent2 Wednesday. An Unlikely Messenger Part 3 - Conclusion

An Unlikely Messenger Part 3 - Conclusion...

Yes, I missed posting yesterday.
This is the end of the story. In order to fully understand this piece, I recommend you go back and read the two Reflections that precede this one.

After the intense discernment process to simply say yes to an on-site interview with the search committee, my husband, Frank and I arrived in El Paso, Texas.

I was taken to the church to meet with the search committee and Frank was taken “away” with one of the members to pick up some things at the grocery store. All I heard about was the ice cream cones they had while on their adventure. Remember, this is El Paso, where the sun is fierce. They had to stand in the grocery store and eat their ice cream or they would have been wearing it.

The Committee and I met in one of the very well-kept beautiful rooms of the church. I wasn’t certain that I wanted this pastorate. I decided that I would be completely honest about what kind of a pastor I was. I thought if I was completely honest, they wouldn’t call me. I wasn’t sure we would be a good match. My thinking was influenced by the location of the church. I believed that the folks here would be in a much different place theologically and philosophically than I was because of the influences of the cultures that nurtured us.

I told them about Drumming Circles, Native American Earth Based philosophies, Creation Spirituality, and on and on. Every time I thought I was sharing something that they would see as a red flag one of the women would say, YES! - kind of like a cha-ching! if you know what I mean. I was sinking fast. I could see that they were interested and nothing like I dreamed they might be as a church family.

One of the men, Bill Houston, who later became my husband’s best friend, asked me about my musical background. They each had a copy of my Profile and he was referencing it. I affirmed that I was a musician. My first degree was in music. He told me a little about the very talented musicians that the church was blessed to have. Young people from the nearby University. That sounded very good to me.

Then he asked me to do something that I never expected.
He said, “You have a Catholic background and you are a musician.
Could you sing the Ave Maria for us?”

I was a bit stunned.
I could feel the others watching and waiting to see my reaction to this strange request.

He said, “There is a piano in the next room if you need it.”

I said, “No. I would like to sing the Gregorian Chant setting of the Ave Maria. That is best done without the piano.”
I sang.
It is a beautiful chant.
There was deep silence.
The deed was done.
I was offered the position
and every year after that, on Mother’s Day,
I was asked to sing the Ave Maria.

What I learned:
Don’t prejudge. Don’t determine how something will be.
Confront the uncomfortable and find the blessing.
What are you keeping yourself from experiencing because you think you already know the outcome? Are you afraid to take action because you might be hurt? How will you know, if you don’t step into the moment instead of dancing around it?

I have struggled with my “split mind” for years. My Catholic Mind and my Protestant Mind. I can’t help but be formed from my Catholic upbringing and my years in the Convent. What I have learned is that the combination brings a depth and a richness to my work with all kinds of people. But I must say that I truly didn’t expect to ever be asked to sing the Ave Maria during an interview. And never thought that would become a “tradition” for Mother’s Day. This was a Protestant Church - and from the short years of experience I had with Protestantism I knew that Mary was not a focus of their spirituality. Inwardly I rejoiced. I love Mary.

What about you? What is your struggle? What splits your mind and causes you confusion and the tendency to stand back instead of dive in? Is there something you love that you are afraid you might lose?

These years taught me a lot about showing up in the truth of who I am. All of the Full Moon meditations on the ROOF of the Church! The collaboration with the nearby Unity Church to build the Labyrinth on the front lawn of the church.
What truth are you hiding that needs to sparkle and show itself? What is the collaboration that will strengthen your resolve to show up in your fullness?

Lots of questions and soul searching today.
Take some time. Do some thinking. I’d like to hear from you.
Let me know how things are going for you.

Be well,
Till next time,
Carol

2019-03-18 Lent2 Monday. An Unlikely Messenger continued

An Unlikely Messenger continued...

Every day I was sure to plan time to pray at the Medicine Wheel. Every day I was visited by the Crow Messengers. Every day I brought them corn or bread. You know, Crows are Tricksters. I think they were holding out for the free food!

I loved to sit at the Prayer Wheel. They sat in a nearby tree and we listen to each other. I knew that soon my vigil would be fulfilled. I just didn’t have a clue what that fulfillment would look like.

I wasn’t very excited about the call I received from the Church in Texas. I never shared this with them, so any of my beloved friends from Texas, please read and hear this as it is intended.

When I received the call, I became intensely concerned. I had a friend, woman clergy person, who had taken a call in Texas and had become ill from the stress of the situation and died. I knew that I might be walking into an extremely conservative situation that would not be good for my Soul. I didn’t even want to consider this call. I did nothing to encourage it.

If I am recalling correctly, we had a meeting over the phone to get to know one another to see if it was worth the investment to fly me there for a trial sermon and visit with the search committee. I heard from them and they would let me know if they wanted me to come. I was in a panic. I didn’t want to go to Texas, but this was against everything I stood for. I always listened to Spirit and say ‘yes’ until the Spirit says ‘no.’

I called my Native American Teacher, Ojibwe, who was also a Disciple of Christ Clergywoman. I shared my concern. She said she thought I was correct and shouldn’t go.

I continued to sit with Crow at the Prayer Wheel. I knew I would have to make a decision soon. The more I prayed about it, the more I sat with the Crows, the stronger the call felt. I was feeling desperately torn.

I called my Teacher again. She said that she was having second thoughts about this. Then she invited me to “journey” to Texas and see what the Spirits of the place had to say to me.

At first, I thought she was talking about the two of us taking a trip there, but that seemed highly unlikely since she was wheel chair bound and lived in the wilderness of Wisconsin across from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

Then she explained that she wanted me to make the ‘journey’ right then. I told her, I didn’t understand what she was expecting. Julie explained that I should allow my Spirit to make the ‘journey’ to El Paso - right now - and talk to the Spirits of the place to get a sense of the situation.

I was willing to give this a try but feeling unsteady about doing something this out of the ordinary that I had never done. Julie assured me, she would ‘travel’ with me and all would be well. I agreed.

She guided me into a meditative state, we began the ‘journey’. I was amazed at the ease, the lightness of the travel. Not always sure about what I was intuitively picking up and staying open to how the Holy Spirit was directing this incredible adventure into expanded consciousness. After a period of time. Actually I don't know how long because there is no sense of time with "traveling."

When we both ‘returned’ we shared our experiences. Julie asked me to share first. I know she was interested in knowing if I had been successful in this quest. I told her I was feeling a lot better about the thought of entertaining a call to Texas. It felt safe enough.

I did pick up something that I didn’t understand. A feeling of struggle in the land, not necessarily the church, but the land.

Julie explained the history of El Paso - the Spaniards invasion, the slaughter of Indigenous peoples there. She explained there was still a lot of pain in that blood-stained soil of the massacred. She was certain that’s what I was feeling. Then she said that in her ‘journey’ this time, she was sure that I should agree to go meet the committee and the people. It felt very safe.

Trusting the “journey” the Spirits and Julie, I accepted the invitation to visit and to trial preach.

What is your struggle?
What is your question?
What journey is required for you to know what Spirit is calling you to do and to be?
This is your life. Be sure not to miss it!

This Reflection has at least one more segment, tomorrow.
All is well,
Carol

2019-03-16 Lent Saturday. An Unlikely Messenger

I don’t concern myself much with time. Years fly by and sometimes a day feels like a year. My best guess is 25 to 30 years ago, I was pastor of North Oakland Christian Church in North Oakland, Michigan just north of Detroit. Speaking of time, I will miss at least one reflection this weekend. For certain, there will be a Reflection for you on Monday morning. The continuation of this one.

Our home was on beautiful Buckhorn Lake, a couple of miles from the church.
The phone rang. It was my secretary who was working in her office at the church. She sounded concerned, actually afraid. I listened, Mary Ann said:

There is a strange knocking sound coming from somewhere
near the back of the church. I have gone back and looked
around and can’t find anything. There is no one else in the
building with me, or at least, I don’t think there is.
I have the doors locked. Every once in a while, I hear it.
I go check, but I can’t find anything. Now, I am getting scared.

Knowing that Mary Ann has never before called or felt fearful, I knew it was important that I get over there right away. “Coming,” I said, “Be there in a couple of minutes.”

When I arrived, there was only Mary Ann’s car in the parking lot. I didn’t see anyone else around. I went inside to see how she was doing. Once again, she told me the same information as she had on the phone.

While we were talking, she paused. “Listen. Do you hear it?”

I was quiet and listened. Yes, I heard it. A very distinct knocking sound, as if someone was knocking at the side door in the rear of the church. We both walked back, listening carefully as we went. Passing by the large classrooms, we poked our heads into each to see where the sound might be coming from. Only tables and chairs in each of the rooms. The knocking, tapping sound was intermittent, and it continued sporadically but insistently.

When we got to the last classroom, it seemed the loudest. I walked in slowly. scanning the area in hopes of locating the source of this strange sound. The classrooms had long narrow windows that went all the way to the ground. My eyes followed the length of the last window to the ground.

There it was. I huge black bird, A Crow - almost looked like a Raven it was so large, but it was a Crow. And No, it wasn’t pecking at the window as one might think. I was using it’s left wing to strike the window repeatedly. The boney bent part of the wing - what I think of as the shoulder. It was intently looking into the glass and banging on the pane.

I was concerned that the Crow would hurt itself. After all, it had been doing this on and off for hours now. Mary Ann confirmed that that was the sound she had been hearing throughout the day. I carefully went out of the classroom to the side back door and opened it gently. Sticking my head out, I said to the insistent Crow, who, by the way, in some traditions is known to be Creator’s Messenger Bird, kind of like some think about Archangel Gabriel as a Messenger Angel.

“Crow, thank you for coming. You have my attention. Have you come with a message? Please stop banging on the window. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I will listen to your message.”

The Crow looked up at me, stopped banging on the window, and flew to the top of the church. I found some food to put outside that window to offer as my gift of gratitude for this special visit.

I made a commitment to listen and to pay attention to the message that Crow was bringing. The next day when I arrived at the church, I noticed on the steel beamed Cross that stood high at the front of the building, there were two large Crows waiting for me.

I walked to the same side of the building where Crow first announced its visit. In that area, the church had a Medicine Wheel, a place of Prayer, constructed of Stone on the ground. I went there to sit and to listen to the message from Crow. I did this for several days. Each day bringing some feed to leave for the Crows. There were at least three now coming for these daily visits. No longer were they banging on the church windows. But they were showing up every day when I sat in prayer to listen at the Wheel.

During this time, we had an event at the church where the public were invited to come to learn from a variety of different spiritual and mystical teachers. While the event was in progress, I was called to the phone. It was a search committee from Texas offering me the opportunity to interview with them for a possible pastorate in El Paso, Texas. I wasn't thinking about leaving North Oakland. I was surprised by this call. I know to take these things seriously, because one never knows when the Holy Spirit is key to the moment.

I didn’t tell anyone about the nature of that call.

There was a group of women who ran a therapeutic heated pool in the area. Doctors referred patients to them for heated water therapy. After hours they would invite spiritually like-minded friends to come for Flotation Meditation. I helped lead this program. It was awesome. People strapped on flotation equipment and then relaxed in the very warm deep water. We used soft music, floated lit candles on the water and I did the heartbeat drumming as people meditated while floating in deep states of consciousness.

This evening one of the women who owned the facility said to me. You know you are leaving us, don’t you? I was so surprised by her comment. I asked what she meant. She said that she was aware that I had been working with the church these past three years to complete the building of the Medicine Wheel. She knew that I only had three more stone people to place in the Medicine Wheel. Since we placed one stone a month, this meant a period of three months- time. She said that when I completed the Wheel, I would be leaving

I had not told anyone about the phone call. How could she know something that I didn’t?

Have a great day, as you LISTEN to the Messengers sent to guide you on your life’s path. Be sure to write down the Messenger and the Message.

The rest of the story will have to wait for the next Reflection.

Deep peace to you,
Carol

2019-03-15 Lent Friday. Finding the Center

I am thrilled to receive so many responses to the Daily Reflection. One thing I have learned in doing this Lenten discipline, I don’t have to worry about running out of things to share. When I first started, I wondered how I could possibly come up with 40 stories that might be worth your while to read. Now I find that you are helping me with this by the responses you share that stir more stories in me.

Cindy Boone Quown responded to my Reflection: Turning, Turning, Turning, which told of my relationship with my Beloved GrandFather Tree. Cindy shared that she has five GrandMother trees. She calls them the Great Sisters and is thinking about putting a Labyrinth in their shade. I promised her that I would write a reflection about my experience with Labyrinths.

When I lived in California, I attended training to become a Labyrinth facilitator at Grace Episcopal Cathedral. This means I know a bit about how to build Labyrinths, some of their history and stories, their importance in spiritual practice. I have had a Medicine Wheel and/or a Labyrinth in my yard and in the church’s yard at every place I have pastored since I can remember. For me, my spirituality lacks something if it isn’t deeply connected to Earth. These tools help to keep me grounded and focused on what is important.

Currently, I have a Medicine Wheel (to be the subject of another reflection) in my back yard. Together with the Medina First Christian Church FCC, HeartSpace Spiritual Community UCC built a very unique Labyrinth Prayer Wheel in their forest. It is a combination of Labyrinth and Medicine Wheel, hence the name. Here’s the story:

I knew the founding pastor of Medina FCC. I knew that on the original plans for the development of the property, there was a place for a Prayer Wheel, a Labyrinth. It is very important to understand that a Labyrinth is NOT a Maze. A Labyrinth is a continuous circuitous path to a center point that represents the Holy. There are no tricks, no dead ends, it is not a game, it is a path that represents the walk that is your life.

HeartSpace’s Dream Circle met with members of Medina FCC Church Board and determined that we would work together to build the Labyrinth as the original blueprints indicated. We agreed to meet on a Sunday after worship service to explore the forest and find the area indicated on the blueprints. It was in a virgin wooded area. There was no path in or out. One of the Board Members from FCC did some exploration before our meeting. He led us back through the dense woods toward the area he believed coincided with the prints.

In our caravan of walkers there were two men, Pastor Laura, with her daughter Lilah from

FCC and three women from HeartSpace UCC, my nephew who is schooled in Earth Spirituality and myself. When we arrived the first thing we noticed was the space. In the midst of the dense trees there was a natural opening. Very little ground cover, some poison ivy, two prominent trees inside the open circle with trees and shrubs all around creating a natural perimeter. This surprised us a bit since the shrub and ground cover growth was dense all around the perimeter of this naturally formed open circle. We began to pray, to thank the Universe and Creator for this beautiful spot. There was a thick silence covering us like a down blanket. Then we asked the trees and the land for permission to build a Prayer Wheel there.

While we were in the midst of the prayer’s solemn silence, Sandy, got my attention and pointed up. At first, I couldn’t understand what she was pointing at, and then I saw it. The day was sunny bright, there was no rain, however, on a high bough of one of the central trees, there were droplets of water forming and dripping slowly, steadily, consistently, obviously.

One by one, each of us watched this unexpected sight. For a time, no one spoke. There was no source from which the water came. We examined the spot where the drops fell and marked the spot with red fabric tied to a stick pushed into the ground where the drops were falling. Then from the depths of our prayer we understood. The Trees were shedding tears of gratitude that we had found this sacred place that they along with Earth Mother had been protecting for many years, awaiting our arrival. Waiting for this day when their sacred place would be lifted up and honored as a place of prayer. We were welcomed with their tears of joy.

Isaiah 55:11-13.
The words I speak are like that.
They will not return to me without producing results.
They will accomplish what I want them to.
They will do exactly what I sent them to do.
12 “My people, you will go out of Babylon with joy.
You will be led out of it in peace.
The mountains and hills
will burst into song as you go.
And all the trees in the fields
will clap their hands.
13 Juniper trees will grow where there used to be bushes that had thorns on them.
And myrtle trees will grow where there used to be thorns.
That will bring me great fame.
It will be a lasting reminder of what I can do.
It will stand forever.”

There is a song that I love to sing called “All the Trees of the Field” which comes directly from this scripture. The words go something like this:

The Trees of the field will clap their hands.
The Trees of the field will clap their hands
The Trees of the field will clap their hands
As we go out with joy!

It is about the joy of creation, as witnessed in the trees, the joy that cannot be prevented or muffled.
Our precious Tree didn’t clap her hands, she wept for joy.

Later my nephew went back to determine the center of the circle so that we might construct the Labyrinth Prayer Wheel, the stick bearing the red flag marked the exact spot where the tree had shed its tears.
It was perfectly marked.
The perfect center!
+++

Have you ever prayed with a tree?
Have you listened to the voice of its heart?
Have you heard the stones cry out?
If not,
why not?
It’s time.

As we go out with joy!
Carol

2019-03-14 Lent Thursday. I didn’t always love being me.

Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Love him with all your mind.’ This is the first and most important commandment. And the second is like it. ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ Everything that is written in the Law and the Prophets is based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

Important realization: The wisdom of loving yourself before you can make progress of significant changes isn’t just about body image and how much you weigh, it applies to anything you take on or would like to accomplish.

If I told you that there was a day that I was so shy that I couldn’t raise my hand in class to answer a question. Hard to believe, even for me. Now I take what I know about myself, good or not so good and build on what I know. Good - get better. Not so good - try something different. Always striving to make a difference, to live fully. To know the richness that comes with loving my life in its abundance and in its poverty.

I don’t want to be a fake. Others know when they are in the presence of a fake. Communication and bonding have a hard time taking hold among fakes. When I accept and love myself then I have something to offer to another. How does that saying go? Love your neighbor as yourself? Have you heard that? I often wonder how there can be any real love in the world if people walk around not having a clue about what it is like to love themselves.

I think for a lot of us, who have been brought up with a focus on unworthiness and sin as compared to our tremendous worth, uniqueness and our blessedness having been made a little less than the angels, in the image and likeness of God, --that focus, of unworthy and being sin riddled, has been a significant part of our spiritual formation. Sad to say.

Somehow the message has been severely misconstrued. Just refer to this scripture from the mouth of Jesus, the long and short of it: We MUST LOVE OURSELVES FIRST. This is not a BAD THING. It is the way it was meant to be. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Pretty direct, wouldn't you agree. See - can’t get on with the real work of loving others until you figured it out at home, how to love yourself.

Look in the mirror lately? Selfies work very well too!
Are you uncomfortable telling yourself how loved s/he is?
Don’t walk away yet.
Take a good look - right in the eyes - just the way you would with another that you think you love.
Feel the love sent and received from the priceless, precious, person…YOU!

Now you are ready to tell someone else how loved they are. Got it?
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matt 22:37-40

Here are some pictures - selfies -
All about loving me, just as I am!
....and having more of me available to love YOU!

2019-03-12 Lent Tuesday. Turning, Turning, Turning

Today I did something that I have wanted to do for a very long time. I bought a Wood Turning Lathe and all of the equipment that goes with it. Last Wednesday I joined a Woodturning Club.

A couple of months ago, beginning of February, I started turning wood. I offer to help Sister Audrey in her workshop at the Monastery. I have wanted to learn to turn bowls and candlesticks and whatever else for a very long time. I would love to make my own Chalice for Communion rituals. I didn’t believe that it was actually going to happen in this lifetime. But now it has.

At the beginning of February, Sister Audrey taught me some basics about working with the wood and the tools and the lathe. I made a couple of candlestick holders as my first practice pieces. Within a couple of days, Sister took me to work with her friend and mentor who teaches at the Woodturners’ Meetings. I have met him before, but not as one who wanted to turn wood.

When Audrey and I arrived at his workshop, he had a beautiful large piece of freshly cut cherry wood with bark still on it, mounted on his lathe.

He asked what I had turned, how long I have been turning, what I knew about the tools - how to handle them, since that is critical. I answered, two candlesticks from one piece of wood, I started recently, a couple of days. Didn’t know very much yet. I was looking forward to his instruction. He looked at the candlesticks, He looked at Sister Audrey. She said something that I found curious, “She’s not afraid. She just takes to it.”

Six hours later I had completed with their guidance, my first Ritual piece: A Womb Bowl to be used when I teach the Feminine aspect of God.

Now that I am learning more about working with wood and the power tools involved. I am developing a healthy fear of some of the machines. After nearly losing a finger today, Dave is insisting on a safety lesson regarding the equipment. I am grateful for the wisdom of Mentors.

So here I am. Finally, working with wood. I love wood. I pray while I am touching and caressing it. I start by thanking it for the gift of its life, for sharing its essence with me as I mold and shape, sand and oil, buff and polish to a shine.

Many life lessons in the wood. The Spalting - the deep dark lines that are formed as the tree ages and begins to rot. Who would have ever thought rot could be beautiful.? Maybe it is just the word we use and the baggage that comes with it.

I think of rot as simply being past ripe, sort of being mature on steroids. It is the accumulation of all that we have been, fermenting into something more than we ever dreamed.

I love the rot that is slowly taking hold. You know, more years completed than yet to come. On this plane, that is. I know I have an eternal soul and that I am here, like you are, for an amazing human experience so that my Soul can learn and continue to expand and grow. I believe that it is a privilege to be human and to have all of the experiences that come to me as total gift. Yes, even the ones that are unpleasant and sometimes deeply painful, physically, emotionally, spiritually…. I am often reminded that in the scriptures it was the pain of hot coals held by an Angel of God to the lips of Isaiah that prepared him, initiated him for his life’s call. What is my call and my preparation? What is yours? Did you know it at the time? What have you learned from that experience? Do you continue to wait?

Someone recently said to me, to watch for the new growth from GrandFather Tree who had to be cut down because of the rot that had taken his ability to hold his great limbs to the sky.
GrandFather Tree is the reason I am installing a woodworking room in my home. One of the first bowls that I turned was from GrandFather Boxelder’s spalted wood. Spalting is wood coloration caused by fungi and is primarily found in dead trees but can also occur in living trees under stress. Sounds like human conditions to me, aging and stressing. Kind of a fancy way of saying rotting, falling apart, you know the sayings we use for this culmination time of human earthly life.

Strange how we use words and over time meanings get messed with. What I have learned from GrandFather is that rot can be beautiful! The wood is darkly lined with secret stories that I will never know. His inner core has the distinction of a gorgeous vibrant red that is natural to the Boxelder and sought after by woodturners.

I have turned a bowl to remember GrandFather, my dear friend and prayer companion. You can see it here. It is the one with his distinctive spalting and red markings.

To my friends who have diminished in physical size from mighty trees standing as sentry before the rising sun, swaying in the arms of the wind. Transforming into candle holders, sentry bearers of a new Light, and wooden bowls turned with love and care to float upon the waters with the ashes of my Beloved.

As a Wood Turner, I am privileged to hold the sacred wood in my hands and feel the vibration of a life share. GrandFather who held me in moments of deepest prayer, Thank you. Amen.

2019-03-11 Lent Monday

On March 3, 2019 I performed with my voice coach’s younger set. It was an exhilarating experience to perform with this wide age range of young people; grade school and high school ages. 

Look at the Class Photo below. The smallest girl in the first row was my pew buddy. She sat next to me and performed directly after I did. I met the young people for the first time on that evening. I had no idea about how everything would work out. I felt a little strange being the only adult singing, but this would not be the first nor the last time I have done something that was unexpected, or I have never done before.

The plan was that I would begin the program, singing a well-known song from the musical, The King and I, Getting to Know You. I left the center taped floor mark on the top step of the sanctuary steps, carefully stepping down into the main carpeted floor, adjusting my vision as I stepped through graduated lenses. I walked down to sing to the children in the first two pews on the left-hand side of the nave.

Watching their faces was a hoot. This was the moment of our first meeting. They were confused, or at least curious, about this older woman who was seated with them, directed to the restrooms before the performance with them, been given the exact same instructions of how to begin by bowing one’s head to bring the first words into focus. To bow at completion followed by recognizing the accompanying pianist.

I think my life energy surprised them. I sang directly to them and swayed and danced as I sang. Don’t get the wrong idea, just in case you are thinking of hiring me to do a soft shoe. I am calling a twirl, on a high note, a Dance. The reason I twirled was to take the audience’s attention away from the uncomfortable high note that I was singing.

Actually, this recital wasn’t really about the music. it was about overcoming a fear that I have carried since my high school days. I studied classical piano with James Smolko at the Cleveland Music School Settlement. I prepared and memorized one of the Chopin Waltzes or maybe it was a Polonaise. The large High School auditorium was filled with parents, grandparents and friends. I was the last performer. I approach the final section of the music. I realized something was not right. I was circling back and playing the middle section - not once, twice, I lost track of how many times. There was one note, one chord that I couldn’t recall , the note that would get me to the final stretch. I simply could not remember it. I was beginning to panic. I couldn’t imagine simply stopping without ending. Getting up and walking off the stage. Then, as miracles happen, I heard my left hand find the one note that I needed. There is was, the transition to the final measures. My fingers caressed the keys to the end as Chopin intended. As soon as my hands lifted from the keyboard, my teacher, Mr. Smolko jumped up from his seat with a Bravo that brought applause from the many. I knew he had been in the struggle with me.

I don’t know if anyone else in the room knew what happened. He and I did. From that moment on, this very real trauma stole my ability to memorize anything that I had to do solo. As an adult pastor, I haven’t even been able to lead the Lord’s Prayer without a printed copy unless others were praying with me.

I was probably 15 or 16 years old when this happened. It is nearly 60 years later, and I never even attempted to beat this fear. It has been TOO BIG, till now.

This past year, for the first time, I preached without a complete script. But that is a little different from having to know each word in its proper place or each note in a long sequence of notes.

This voice recital, surrounded by young vibrant, intelligent, impressionable children, with strong and relentless courage and encouragement from my Voice Coach, Kimberly States, I memorized and performed Getting to Know You to a full sanctuary. Thank you for your applause!

Facing fear is huge. I learned a long time ago that it is all right to be afraid. It is not all right to allow fear to control me. In other areas of my life of which I am aware, I have not allowed fear to stop my moving forward. This doesn’t mean, I don’t know fear, of course I do. Knowing fear is part of being human. Fear can be a good thing. It is a warning system to keep us from harm. Sometimes we simply give it power to be more than it is intended to be.

On March 3, 2019 at 7:05 p.m. was a huge moment for me. The freedom in singing without a printed sheet before me, not even in the room with me, completely charged the delivery of song and message in a way not possible when coming through a piece of inert paper.

What is your fear? We all have them. What have you allowed to trip you up, get in your way? Our lives are journeys that move through fear to love. Yes, the goal is to be Love incarnate. Love in the flesh. The more we can release fear, walk through our fears, the freer we are to love ourselves which means the freer we are to love others. The freer we are to become Love.

Thank you, James and Kimberly, for believing in me, for walking this fear filled walk with me.

My prayer for you who are reading this and sharing these tender life moments with me, that whatever you need, whoever you need, to encourage you, shows up.

In the end, you and I both know: YOU are the only one who can beat the fear.
YOU are the only one.

With much love for the journey,
Carol

2019-03-10 Lent #5 First Sunday

note:
Are these Reflections too long?
Will you read them if they are shorter?
Do you enjoy them the way they are?
_______________

Savings Events

I am visiting friends in Pennsylvania. We learned of a clothing sale that was supposed to be like no other. Our curiosity got the best of us and we ventured to the store. Here’s the deal. All Clearance items were at least 50% reduced, however, if you were older than 50 you received the percentage of discount equal to your years. If you didn’t have a store credit card and applied for one, you could add 15% to that number. I did the math, I would receive a total of 89% discount. I bought some clothes!

Today my age definitely worked in my favor. I really do love being the age that I am. Today I enjoyed a unique Savings Event. I began to ponder. What are some other Savings Events that have informed my life?

I am grateful for the experiences that have brought me to this age. It is fascinating to me that some of the most important experiences are the ones that seemed to hinder or stop me. Yet, these are some of the events that have created the deep shape of my life, teaching me persistence and courage.

I remember the car accidents, two, that could have easily taken my life, but didn’t, a savings event. 

In 2011, the policeman was amazed that I was alive and talking. *** He approached my car door where I was imprisoned by the impact of the Semi that plowed into my car going seventy miles per hour. We were waiting for the Jaws of Life to arrive to cut me out of the wreckage. The policeman said to me, “Lady, I can’t believe you are talking. You should be dead.” He was so taken with the situation that he came to see me in the Emergency Room. He talked with me again, as if to be sure he hadn’t imagined what he had witnessed. 

Talk about the ultimate in Savings Events.

I will never forget the time I got hopelessly lost in Greece. I didn’t know the language, couldn’t read the Greek alphabet, didn’t recognize any of the street markers. This was before Google Translate. I had wandered off, enjoying the beauty, seeking the sea. I walked a long way looking for the seashore. I thought I could trace my steps back to where I was staying, however, going the reverse direction completely disoriented me and nothing looked familiar.

I was panicking and wasn’t thinking clearly. I started walking faster and the further I walked the less I recognized. I saw a man in a strange kind of store. There were large vats, maybe 10-15 feet tall. I think they were made of stainless steel.

Customers were going in and filling their own wine bottles from the spigots on the large vats.** They must have been buying wine. I had never seen anything like this before.
Didn’t matter. This wine seller was the first person with whom I might be able to communicate my need for help.

When I opened my mouth and spoke, he immediately brushed me off. He didn’t understand a word I said. I didn’t understand a word he said. I would not relent, I was desperate. I had limited time. I had a flight to catch to get home. I had to find my way back to where I was staying. I couldn’t even pronounce the name of the place or the street it was on.

Then I thought I might have a card or a key with some identifying information on it. I looked at the key - nothing. I rummaged through my fanny pack and success. I found a card with information that I couldn’t read on it. It was the hotel’s card.

The wine seller was still trying to get me to leave. Obviously, a frantic woman is not good for business. I can only imagine that I appeared to be some lunatic with my frightened high-pitched voice and my determination to get him to pay attention to my need.

I pointed to the card. I picked up his telephone. This unnerved him a bit. I pushed it at him. I pointed to the card in my hand. I gestured until he understood - Call them for help. They understand some English.

Finally, after forcing the receiver into his hand and pointing repeatedly to the phone number, he dialed. I began to feel a tinge of relief. I have no idea what he said to them. I didn’t really care what he thought. I just knew I needed his help.

He talked to the hotel clerk for a moment. I kept saying my name to him- hoping he would get it and tell them I needed to be found. He was reluctant to hand me his phone. Finally, he handed me the receiver and I talked with someone who understood enough English to know that I was lost and needed help.

The man at the hotel asked me where I was. I couldn’t even begin to tell him. I described the store. That didn’t seem to make any sense to him. He suggested that he talk with the wine seller again. They exchanged information. I was once again handed the phone. The hotel clerk asked me how I got so far away? I had no idea how far I had walked. I asked him how to get back, to please give me directions. He said it was too difficult. He would come to get me.

I suggested that he tell me which way to walk and I would meet him. He said I should stay there. He would come shortly to pick me up. I took a much deeper breath now, knowing that I had been lost but now was found...reminds me of an old Spiritual.

I waited for what felt like an eternity. As the van pulled up, the store keeper couldn’t have been any more relieved to see me go as I was to go.
That reluctant wine seller made my day.
One more huge Savings Event.

I am certain that there are more....

What about you? Take a moment to ponder. What are the Savings Events that have shaped your life? These tough moments that sculpt us and teach us the deep lessons that we don’t even realize we are learning. Who are the reluctant saviors?

I am giving thanks tonight for all of the tough moments that have sculpted my life making it rich and wise. For the people that have showed up to witness, even reluctantly.

I know that there will be more Savings Events as I continue to mature into my fullness and I hope that my life will be filled with Savings Events that bless the lives of others.
Maybe even yours!

Courage for the journey,
Carol Vaccariello

March 8, Friday: Lent Day #3

Tonight, I am writing for tomorrow morning. I will be leaving the house early to be with the twins, Anthony and Brian, as they compete in a gymnastics event. Later in the day, I accompany my niece, Jessie, for her third Saint Baldrick’s Day head shaving. She donates her hair and earns money for cancer research for children. Here is the link if you want to know more about it.

https://www.stbaldricks.org/teams/claggettcares

In the photo below, Jessie is the one with the glasses. Carey is the other teacher from Claggett Middle School. This was immediately after their last donation.

I can’t help but make this comparison. In the 1980’s Persis Khambatta starred in the Star Trek film that featured V-ger. This former Miss India was required to shave her head for the role that she played and was paid around $35,000 to shed her locks.

Here are two teachers from Claggett Middle School willing to make this sacrifice for the sake of children and cancer research. Their goal is a combined $2000.00. Last I checked they were at $1450 in pledges. I wonder what their gift will bring in the way of total monetary donations?
If you feel the call to support them - you can donate at the link:https://www.stbaldricks.org/teams/claggettcares

Certainly, making their goal is important to them, however, as I take this all in, I wonder about the life impact this self-giving act has on the young people they teach and whose lives they come into contact with each day. This is something that can’t be monetized.

Every now and then, perhaps more often than we realize, we cross the path of a Soul that is large and life changing. Sometimes, hopefully more often than we realize, we are one of those Souls. What I observe and strive for in my own life is to touch gently and to have each touch one of deep respect, honoring and care, for every person.

Not only do our children need us, you and me, to be Large Souls, there are so many who need to feel our Largeness. It is what we are called to. How will your Large Soul step out today? Every day - not just now and then - we are called to grow and stretch into the Souls that we are.
It is a tremendous stretch.
The best exercise there is.
Big Breath now - STRETCH!
Now, doesn’t that feel better?

From one Stretching Soul to Another,
Carol

Do you see the light in their eyes?
Those are some Big Smiles!
Some Stretching Shining Souls!!!

Reflection: March 7, 2019 Thursday morning: Lent Day 2

This morning I am praying with the Erie Benedictine Nuns. During Morning Praise there is always a scripture reading proclaimed from the pulpit. This morning I was invited to read from the Book of the Prophet Jeremiah 1:4-10. Here is the translation that I shared with the Spiritual Community:

The word of God came to me saying,
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
Then I said, “Ah, God! Truly I do not know how to speak,
for I am only a child.”
But God said to me,
“Do not say, ‘I am only a child’;
for you shall go to all to whom I send you,
and you shall speak whatever I command you,
do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you to deliver you, says God.”
Then God put out a hand and touched my mouth;
and God said to me,
“Now I have put my words in your mouth.
See, today I appoint you over nations and over provinces,
to pluck up and to pull down,
to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant.”
***

I have always loved this scripture. It speaks straight to my heart.
There is a Contemporary Language translation that Eugene Peterson published in segments from 1993 to 2002. It is an idiomatic translation of the original languages of the Bible. I like to read it and compare translations. Here is the translation in The Message.

+++
This is what God said:
5 “Before I shaped you in the womb,
I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day,
I had holy plans for you:
A prophet to the nations—
that’s what I had in mind for you.”
6 But I said, “Hold it, Master God! Look at me.
I don’t know anything. I’m so young*!”
7-8 God told me, “Don’t say, ‘I’m so young.*’
I’ll tell you where to go and you’ll go there.
I’ll tell you what to say and you’ll say it.
Don’t be afraid of a soul.
I’ll be right there, looking after you.”
God’s Decree.
9-10 God reached out, touched my mouth, and said,
“Look! I’ve just put my words in your mouth—hand-delivered!
See what I’ve done? I’ve given you a job to do
among nations and governments—a red-letter day!
10 Your job is to pull up and tear down,
take apart and demolish,
And then start over,
building and planting.”
***
note: *I’m only a boy, I adapted these two phrases, because I heard this scripture speaking to me. It seemed that if I changed it to: I’m only a girl, it would be loaded with very different connotations due to our gender obsessed society. Don’t want to go there now.
***

Just read that passage slowly and let the power of it sink in. Each of us has been around for a very long time. Before we were even a spark of an idea in our parents’ hearts. Long before we were shaped in the womb, we were not only known by the Holy, there were holy plans for each of us!
These plans came with a Guide and a Guide Book. The words are already in our very being, and we have not been sent alone, AND there is no one to fear. This sounds like a really good deal to me.

Now look again at verse 10. Read your job description:
“Your job is to pull up and tear down,
take apart and demolish,
AND THEN START OVER,
BUILDING AND PLANTING.”

I think these ARE the days for which we were born. Don’t you?