On March 3, 2019 I performed with my voice coach’s younger set. It was an exhilarating experience to perform with this wide age range of young people; grade school and high school ages.
Look at the Class Photo below. The smallest girl in the first row was my pew buddy. She sat next to me and performed directly after I did. I met the young people for the first time on that evening. I had no idea about how everything would work out. I felt a little strange being the only adult singing, but this would not be the first nor the last time I have done something that was unexpected, or I have never done before.
The plan was that I would begin the program, singing a well-known song from the musical, The King and I, Getting to Know You. I left the center taped floor mark on the top step of the sanctuary steps, carefully stepping down into the main carpeted floor, adjusting my vision as I stepped through graduated lenses. I walked down to sing to the children in the first two pews on the left-hand side of the nave.
Watching their faces was a hoot. This was the moment of our first meeting. They were confused, or at least curious, about this older woman who was seated with them, directed to the restrooms before the performance with them, been given the exact same instructions of how to begin by bowing one’s head to bring the first words into focus. To bow at completion followed by recognizing the accompanying pianist.
I think my life energy surprised them. I sang directly to them and swayed and danced as I sang. Don’t get the wrong idea, just in case you are thinking of hiring me to do a soft shoe. I am calling a twirl, on a high note, a Dance. The reason I twirled was to take the audience’s attention away from the uncomfortable high note that I was singing.
Actually, this recital wasn’t really about the music. it was about overcoming a fear that I have carried since my high school days. I studied classical piano with James Smolko at the Cleveland Music School Settlement. I prepared and memorized one of the Chopin Waltzes or maybe it was a Polonaise. The large High School auditorium was filled with parents, grandparents and friends. I was the last performer. I approach the final section of the music. I realized something was not right. I was circling back and playing the middle section - not once, twice, I lost track of how many times. There was one note, one chord that I couldn’t recall , the note that would get me to the final stretch. I simply could not remember it. I was beginning to panic. I couldn’t imagine simply stopping without ending. Getting up and walking off the stage. Then, as miracles happen, I heard my left hand find the one note that I needed. There is was, the transition to the final measures. My fingers caressed the keys to the end as Chopin intended. As soon as my hands lifted from the keyboard, my teacher, Mr. Smolko jumped up from his seat with a Bravo that brought applause from the many. I knew he had been in the struggle with me.
I don’t know if anyone else in the room knew what happened. He and I did. From that moment on, this very real trauma stole my ability to memorize anything that I had to do solo. As an adult pastor, I haven’t even been able to lead the Lord’s Prayer without a printed copy unless others were praying with me.
I was probably 15 or 16 years old when this happened. It is nearly 60 years later, and I never even attempted to beat this fear. It has been TOO BIG, till now.
This past year, for the first time, I preached without a complete script. But that is a little different from having to know each word in its proper place or each note in a long sequence of notes.
This voice recital, surrounded by young vibrant, intelligent, impressionable children, with strong and relentless courage and encouragement from my Voice Coach, Kimberly States, I memorized and performed Getting to Know You to a full sanctuary. Thank you for your applause!
Facing fear is huge. I learned a long time ago that it is all right to be afraid. It is not all right to allow fear to control me. In other areas of my life of which I am aware, I have not allowed fear to stop my moving forward. This doesn’t mean, I don’t know fear, of course I do. Knowing fear is part of being human. Fear can be a good thing. It is a warning system to keep us from harm. Sometimes we simply give it power to be more than it is intended to be.
On March 3, 2019 at 7:05 p.m. was a huge moment for me. The freedom in singing without a printed sheet before me, not even in the room with me, completely charged the delivery of song and message in a way not possible when coming through a piece of inert paper.
What is your fear? We all have them. What have you allowed to trip you up, get in your way? Our lives are journeys that move through fear to love. Yes, the goal is to be Love incarnate. Love in the flesh. The more we can release fear, walk through our fears, the freer we are to love ourselves which means the freer we are to love others. The freer we are to become Love.
Thank you, James and Kimberly, for believing in me, for walking this fear filled walk with me.
My prayer for you who are reading this and sharing these tender life moments with me, that whatever you need, whoever you need, to encourage you, shows up.
In the end, you and I both know: YOU are the only one who can beat the fear.
YOU are the only one.
With much love for the journey,
Carol
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